To Abby Wheeler. HOBY Hugs.

Dear Abby,

Thank you for allowing me
the opportunity
to learn from you
when I was seeking so much knowledge
when I was asking many questions
you patiently listened and answered accordingly
never showing signs of frustration

Thank you for taking the time
to show me the necessary skills today
that will lead me with confidence into tomorrow
for believing in me and having enough faith
to share your work
your dreams
and your vision

Thank you for accepting me as I am
with all my eagerness
and my sheer joy over the little things...
you never tried to squelch that spirit in me
Instead, you have encouraged that spirit
and for that, I do thank you

I realized the knowledge I need for work can be learned anywhere,
taught by most anyone
but the life skills I needed that go along with it...
well, that would have to be taught by a very unique individual
with a very special gift for giving
a gift of patience and understanding
that someone is you, my Mentor
and now, my friend

-H.

Thunderstorms

With all the tears that we do cry,
We could surely fill the sky.
There would be no more need for rain,
'Cause now all we have left is pain.
The pain will make you shed,
Of everything he once said.
The pain just may never end,
but, you know he'll always be your friend.
But, with them pouring from my eyes,
I find, to my surprise,
That not everything is worth crying over.
I've got a good head on my shoulders.
So, the next time you endure some pain,
Shake it off & dance in the rain.
Keep your tears inside your eyes,
For no more tears shall fill the sky.

It's not over.

-H.

My creator is my mother & father..

I want to talk about religion. Not one in particular.
To start off, i always select the "NO RELIGION" box. There's always the "NO OPINION" suggestion, but i do have one. It's not that i do or do not believe in ***a*** god.. i need proof. When i ask, people often wave the bible in my face. Jesus didn't write the bible. Multiple people did, EXCEPT him. For all you know, these could be ancient coo-coos who were out casted because of their mental disability, not because they "followed Jesus". I also do not accept that "Mary was a virgin when she had Jesus". No she was not. People lie ya know. When in middle school, we learned about ancient Egyptians and their myths and gods and goddesses, and laughed. I remember class discussions where we just couldn't believe that they actually believed that way. Other than the Bible, what proof do you have? I have proof otherwise. Scientists have proof that Earth created itself, technically. Bacteria was the source of everything that you see today. My definition of religion is a release for very easily influential people who need something to believe in, some sort of "push" to have faith in something &/or themselves. Why do you think so many convicted criminals come out Church-crazed? It's not that i do not believe in Jesus or a god, it's just that nothing in the entire world that i have come in to contact with has proven to me of this. Scientific research, pictures, etc. have proven the entire bible wrong. When i die, i will not go to hell, nor heaven.. i will slowly decay in my own coffin. That "bright, white light" you see when your at a near-death experience, guess what? It's the operating lights right above where your laying.. do some research. Have you ever been outside on a really sunny day and then came into a fairly-lit building? The white and lightly colored spots you are seeing is the same concept. People are soo redic. Shoot me an email.

No disrespect intended.
- H.

Out of sight, out of mind.

This may be the hardest thing i'll have to do in my life. My actions may be considered "wrong" to you or society. ..& yet, i still feel completely injustice because i'm doing this for myself..

I just wanted to know you. I just wanted to try to have a real relationship, not because i was being forced here and there.. but because i'm apart of you. As a young girl, i knew you as "Dad". Nothing more. I understood that you were my father & i adored you. I looked up to you even though you've hit so many rough patches with my brothers & i.

Things were always complicated. Parents seperated, for one. But, living across the country from another.. having to fly back & forth. Knowing that when we

left back home, we wouldn't see you again for a long, long time. Never knowing exactly when we'd ever see you again.. or if we even would at that point.

Being so young & able to let go that easily. Being so confused and angry. Feeling unworthy & guilty. Having so much built up jealousy towards your own

brothers because they actually got to feel what it was like to have TWO parents, together. Feeling like the mistake, the problem, the cause. Stress, Anxiety, Pressure i have put on my own self to redeem my faults. Striding to be perfect in everything. Just wanting the spotlight or sympathy for once.

Wanting someone to feel bad for me. Saying, "She was daddy's little girl, i feel so bad for her because he's gone." Everyone forgot about me.

Now, the roles have switched & i feel guilty. How come i am so close to my father when he wont even make an attempt with my brother? I feel selfish.

Stop the relationship. He isn't even worth it. Putting us in harms way too many times. You don't understand me, trust me, love me. I don't need you.

None of us need you. I do not want a relationship with you. I do not want you in my life. I do not wish to spend any more days questioning the past or future. I will not cry over you leaving, once again. It's my turn to be the mature one in this equation. I'm leaving. I left. I'm gone. I'm done. Leave me be.

I have so many bottled up emotions i don't know what to do. I could cry for days and still feel the pressure. I don't even understand how to let this out.

The only thing i can do, is forget about it. Push it to the side & leave you in the past. Sure, you'll always be my dad.. but i can never forgive you. I wont.

I feel like you did something to me. I don't exactly know what. I always have this flashback of a day dream-
*screaming* "Please don't do this?" "Daddy, what are you doing?" I see blood. I see tears. I see sweat. I see a pillow. I hear music. I see the kitchen. And yet.. i don't understand. One day it will all be clear, and i will speak up. Until then, you stay out of my life.

.

Young, true, love.

"It's for the best.
For you.
For the both of us.
I'll always love you."
I should have listened to my father.
Now, i'm in love with you.
I'll never forget you best friend.

Walk on clouds; free as a bird.
Live as a spirit.
I cannot put into words,
the way the moon blaintly appears
The shadow of a doubt,
 controls my fears.

-H.

I'm kind of scarred.

Sometimes I wonder how would my life be different if only my parents had never split.

Life is hard without BOTH parents.

Each of my parents have had so much impact on me; They've molded me.

It's just.. i have TWO homes, when I only need one.

It has made me so indecisive.

I shouldn't have to worry about hurting their feelings.

I shouldn't have to choose.

I shouldn't have to go back and forth.

I shouldn't have to be away from my dad.

I shouldn't have to be away from my mom.
I shouldn't have to STRESS!
But, i do.
I do have to.

& that's it.

No discussion.

No questions.

& once again, no answers.

It's not like i'm making a big deal.
Just thati want to know WHY!?

Why didn't my mom and dad get along?

Why didn't they get married?

Why was the gov. & court involved in EVERY little move MY family made?

Why was the relationship between my dad, my brothers, and myself soo tense?

Why did my parents split up?

I wonder how different it would be if just they had stayed together.

I'll never know til i ask.. soo.. here it goes.

Wish me luck.

-H.

Who to turn to?

You need me, i know; I'm there in a flash.
The roles are switched.
Now, where are you?
It's funny how this works..
When the story is flipped, you never seem to come through.
You put it on my soul & i sort of become the keeper of your trust.
Yet, i cannot even trust you myself.
It's as if the hypocritcal misjudgement of the meaning of "reliability" has been forsaken & completely blocked out from true exsistence.
How come you are not here?
How come you will not answer my call?
How come everytime i run to you with my arms open wide, you return to your own mind & back away.
How come you repeatedly deny my tears?
How come you don't understand that i need you.

I need your comforting guidance speaking to me.
I need the adivce and amnesty you always deliver.
I need the tables to be even, not crooked.
I need it so that we can finally move forward & at that precise moment live in the present.
I need to know that you are true & can become the only substance that he calls forth.

Why am i allowing you to dismantle me from myself?
Why should you have the reference to become that important in my life?
Why would you do this?
Why can't you see that this is destroying my conciencious feeling towards, not only you, but everyone of the sort.
Why are you the only person that had the strength to rip my heart out of my hands and run?

So, here nor there, where are you?
So you show up once more into my life.
So, i don't know what to think; what's suppose to come with this.
So what am i suppose to do?
So, i guess all i can say is that i don't miss you, i never did, i never will.

You come in & out of my life.
You rejected my love & all that came upon the emotions.
You presented before me what it's like to really be miserable.
You ruined my life, or tried to; without intension.
You aren't there for me..
You don't know me.
You never loved me.
You are nothing much more in my eyes than the very person who hasn't the chance.
You scarred me.

They'll always be there, no matter how hard i try to wipe them away, they will forever be apart of me.
Which is why i am so careful.
I just wish i could go back in time and warn myself, to be more cautious; when falling in love.
No man nor soul shall ever have that much control over how i think.

The constant arguements,
the constant physicalities,
the constant threats,
and let's not forget the constant, never-ending, pressure.

You are weak.
You are nothing.
You are the only subjectified mistake i will ever own up to.
You are gone.
You are non-exsistent in my universe.
You are not allowed back into my mind.
You and i are done.

I am strong.
Because i got help.
I am important.
Because i know there's more to a man than just what comes forth first.
I am the definition of being imperfect.
But, i shall not let my defaults destroy who i am.
I am here.
I am ready to live.
I am capable of accomplishing anything.
I can gain whatever information i need or desire.
I am alone.
And alone i am strong.
Because i know that no one will ever understand anything i need except myself.
No one will ever understand how i am living or how i am trying unless you have been put in my shoes and the roles have been switched.

Now, where are you?
It's funny how this works..
When the story is flipped, you never seem to come through.
You put it on my soul & i sort of become the keeper of your trust.
Yet, i cannot even trust you myself.
It's as if the hypocritcal misjudgement of the meaning of "reliability" has been forsaken & completely blocked out from true exsistence.

Why?
Why do you continue to make me feel so high up there, & important, when all you seem to do is sit back and watch me fall.
& fall hard to the very bottom.
The darkest depths of emotions.
I am reaching up.
Reaching out as far as my arms can stretch.
Only waiting..
Waiting for that magical hand to rescue me from my own depression.
From the lonliness,
From the hatred only towards myself,
From the strain to be so perfect, it only back fires in my face,
From the grief,
From the struggle,
From the way i want to live,
From the permanent imprint of all my mistakes,
From the regrets & all the constant personal mocking of myself, from myself.

Where is my lifeguard?
Who is suppose to be there.
To save me from myself.
Where is my Superman?
Who is suppose to be there.
When i need help.
Where is my knight-in-shinging-armor?
Who is suppose to be there.
When i need comfort and relief.
Where are my parents?
Who are suppose to be there.
When i need advice & their dry shoulders.
Where am i?
Am i only physically here?
By myself?
Mentally dead?
Emotionally drained?
What am i suppose to do when i don't have the slightest clue how to get out of this rut?

You need me, i know; I'm there in a flash.
The roles are switched.
Now, where are you?
I.NEED.HELP.

Have you ever been let down?

.. everyone put me down. Family prooves that they're untrustworthy. Friends stab me in the back w/ or w/o intension. You put me on a high horse, only to let me fall off. You're not there to catch me. Once again, "you'll come to [support] me." This is so routine in my mind at this point; it's as if you never opened your mouth at all. - As if i never heard your words at all. If it goes through one ear & out the other, did you ever really truely say anything? Can you proove it? Conference Game. Tournement. Even just a scrimmage, i only look to you for encouragement. I just want to see your face, your eyes glued to every move i make, every critical decision i make on the court. I want to hear you cheer me on. I want your support. So, i ask myself... like usual, "how does it feel to want?" I tell myself, "some things i desire, i will never get." I shake my head & come back to reality. I shouldn't have to fight for your encouragement or support. You UNECESSARILY promised. Well, i'm holding the ball, where are you? I'm looking around... the referee blows the whistle; catches my attention. I slowly put my head down.. tell myself to concentrate on killing this horrifying-frustration-carrying-pessimistic-covered little ball. I'll take out all my negative emotions on you little white ball. Forgive me. Anger, disappointment. Beginning serve. You didn't show. "Shocking" eh? "Utter disbelief?" Hah, that's funny; Hysterical. Final score: 25-12. We won. Multiple people confront my team & i. They congratulate & over-whelm me w/ compliments. So many people. Everything gets blurry & i try to make out your complexion.. lie to myself that you had come. But, you never did arrive. Put you to the back of my mind & accept the greetings. The last thing on my mind now, is you, until i step foot off the court. I am mad. But why? Because you didn't show? Nah. Am i upset w/ myself for allowing myself to believe that you'd come? Absolutely not. Never, for a second did i. Never had faith in that. Why am i so upset then? Oh! Now i remember, because i repeatedly waste my time & breath inviting & informing you about something so important in my life. I waste my time thinking about how it'd be if you'd just attend. I can ALWAYS pick up my ball. It will ALWAYS be there WHENEVER i wana play; to relax my emotions & take my mind to a different place... a different, completely seperate world w/ just me, myself & i. Where were you? You put me on a high horse, only to let me fall.

There's a killer on the loose..

Day by day, missing you more.

Moment by moment, it becomes difficult...
To go around, living, knowing you're across the country.

Day by day, it worries me.
Moment by moment, it stresses you out...
To have to keep tracking forward with nothing but hope & trust.

Day by day, the emotions build up.
Moment by moment, we explode...
Letting out all our depression & lonliness on eachother; our anger.

Day by day, it seems to be a reoccuring dream.
Moment by moment, the same things get inbetween you & i...
Forcing us to slowly feel the distance mentally.

Day by day...
Week by week...

We grow apart.
Til there is no more you & me.

That oh so powerful, strong bond we always had.. is gone.
Distance..
Is a killer.
It's OUR killer.

</3

(Fate.. I guess not)

- H.

Surrounding youself constantly within a group of people doesn't always mean you are not alone.

Depression can mean the loudest of thoughts.

Being alone is the feeling you have no body.

- No body who understands, cares, is there, & will fight.

Being in a crowd is a given.. but also a misfortune.

Take the time to reach out & stare the loneliness in the eye.

Take a stand & embrace the attention of someone who can offer help & guidance.

Figure out why..

- This depression is haunting you.

In turn, i guess you were never really alone.

You have the ghost.

You have a spirit.

The only voice you should hear 24/7 is your concious.
The only judgement that counts is the one you can make.The only opinion that matters, is the one you accept.The only name you can abide by, tis your own.& the only path you'll follow, is the one you set out for yourself.

Saying sorry doesn't mean there isn't guilt

&

forgiving doesn't mean there isn't pain

...

Random Thought:

I always wonder..
Is there another person, somewhere, in the entire universe.. who looks exactly like me?

Or who is thinking the same exact thing at this very moment?

Hmm.. maybe we have the same interests..
I always wonder..
Is there somebody out there who is exact to me?

Or am i truely 100% unique?

Think About It..

Dear Writing,

        

     Sometimes i wonder..

If i chose you for the rest of my life, where would we lead? Am we capable of it?

Would we get sick of eachother?We'd either rise above the odds as one, or fall flat on our ___.

You always help.You're always there for me. You relieve me of pressure and stress. You help me get out and complete ideas.. You help me memorize.You're also just a good friend who can always encourage me to put my thoughts out. Not to mention an EXCELLENT listener for my venting periods. As of now, writing you are my love

<3

Am i a lost soul?

Or was i just misguided?

Am i a lost soul?

Or am i just a little bit frightened?

Am i a lost soul..

Who cannot put an identity to the reflection?

Am i a lost soul..

Who could never accept any subjection?

Am i a lost soul?

That can't dig deep enough?

Am i a lost soul?

That emerges deeper into the rough.

Am i the lost soul?

Without you.

I'll never doubt you.

I call you with faith.

Maybe, just maybe.. you'd answer one day.

Though..

i know..

I need to quit lying to myself.

Because it doesn't help.

My broken heart..

Or my lost soul.

RIP

♥ If i had eternity,
i'd wait forever.
If i had the universe,
i'd give you the stars.... & if, & only if,
i could see into the future..
maybe i could
have been more cautious.- when falling in love.♥

& it sucks because,
no matter how
hard i try,
i just
know that
...i can't wait forever..
♥

Mission Accomplished: Bungee Jumping 8/10/11

Okay so i went bungee jumping today at the Vta County Fair.. & it was freakinn' AWESOME! I have to admit, i was really going to potty myself.. haha. Luckily my cousin Bre came up in the basket w/ me! The hardest part really is letting go. So i looked around at my surroundings, took a deep breathe, and.. fell. Fell free & flew like a bird. It was AWESOME! I reccommend it to ANYONE w/ balls (: Soo worth the $$. Thank you daddy btw <3 I love you.
Whoever wants to see me in action.. add me on facebook at --> www.facebook.com/hallee.desiree.
Next Mission: Sky diving. Stay tuned (:

Good night !
-H.

You're awesome.

Quote from my bud(:

Add him on Facebook. --> http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001170789753

                                    --> Born Pulling'

LOVE : Giving Someone The Ability To Destroy Your Heart, & But Trusting Them Enough NOT Too. (my defintion)

He's so freakin' smart! Jealous. But, he gives amazing advice. & i look up to him for ALWAYS speaking his mind.